Cheating on your spouse could spice up the marriage?

Every now and again you bump into the opinions of a so-called professional which leaves you wondering whether anyone couldn’t do their job.  Here is a case in point.

An article published in the Cape Times titled: Cheating on your spouse could spice up the marriage, says US psychotherapist

It details the 16 reasons why, according to Mira Kirshenbaum, people cheat.  In her book, When Good People Have Affairs, she indicates her belief that not all of these reasons are selfish or immoral.

First off;  I haven’t read the book yet so I’m going on what I have read in the article I mentioned above and on the article posted in the Telegraph titled: Why having an affair could save your marriage.  This second article is also about Mira’s book.

Let’s deal with the article in the Telegraph first.

…because society has so far failed to have a sympathetic discussion of infidelity, the positive sides of cheating have been ignored.

Did I get this right?  Mira is claiming that there are positive aspects to lying.  Oh, but wait let’s get to the next paragraph.

However, she insists that most cheating spouses should never own up, because revealing the infidelity is more damaging than keeping quiet.

Now the picture is becoming clearer.  The positive aspects only kick in if you can succeed in keeping your lying undiscovered.  As far as her opinion about the damage of infidelity vs. honesty I have to agree that there is always damage when one realises that you have been hoodwinked.  That you have been taken for a ride and that your fears of abandonment have proven to be sound.

Successfully lying about an affair is in no way protecting the person being lied to; it only protects the liar.  The person being cheated on has no way of making any responsible choices about their situation.  They will never get the chance to be able to fix anything from their side because they don’t know anything is wrong.  They will have no way of dealing with any safer sex issues or make decision around their personal safety because they believe their relationship is safe.

Sometimes an affair can be the best way for the person who has been unfaithful to get the information and impetus to change.

But why do you need to have an affair to know something is wrong.  Simply wanting an affair should ring enough warning bells.  Why not come clean before you actually start cheating?  Surely that’ll be a much more positive step to ensuring the future of the relationship?  But she has more to say…

I’m not encouraging affairs, but underlying the complicated mess is a kind of deep and delicate wisdom. It’s an insight that something isn’t working and needs to change.

Nope, no explanations just more of the same.  Unless you actually have the affair you won’t get the “deep and delicate wisdom” or the “insight” that you have a problem in your current relationship.  Until you sleep around your brain just won’t get that there is anything wrong with your relationship.  A cop-out if I have ever heard one.

Ms Kirshenbaum, clinical director of the Chestnut Hill Institute, a psychotherapy and research centre in Boston, Massachusetts, says her book is not aimed at ‘creeps’ who think they can cheat with impunity, but at decent people who know they have made a mistake.

Ok, so in her defence this shouldn’t be read by “creeps” but I think those are exactly the ones who are going to read her book!  Her ideas are simply going to become more ammunition to throw at a spouse who finds out about an affair and suddenly becomes the villain because the cheating spouse will, if they cannot hide the affair, shift blame to the first target they can find – which is the way liars work.

In my mind if you messed up it’s best to fess up.  Take your medicine and if you are forgiven make sure that you earn that forgiveness and keep the trust that you have given again sacred the second time around.

Mira has however received some criticism about her points of view from her piers.  That serves her right because in my opinion the only reason she punts those opinions are that they drive controversy which generates book sales which accompany controversy.

Now we can deal with the first article I mentioned.  It deals with the 16 reasons why people cheat:

Break out into selfhood: “For a long time there are forces in your life that have opposed your being yourself, expressing yourself. The affair is the best way you knew how to stand up for who you are.”

Accidental: “You weren’t looking for it, but you were in the wrong place at the wrong time.”

Sexual panic: “You feel your sexual powers are waning and in a kind of panic, you have an affair to prove you’re still as sexually able as you were.”

Let’s kill this relationship (and see if it comes back to life): “The idea is that once an affair is discovered it will deliver a blow that will either kill your relationship or make it stronger.”

Mid-marriage crisis: “Without time and attention marriages get stale or feel full of problems, so … you have an affair.”

Trading up: “You’ve moved ahead in life, but your spouse has stayed behind. Having an affair is your way of being with someone you think better matches your circumstances.”

Heating up your marriage: “Unconsciously, you’re hoping that the affair itself or your spouse finding out about it will make things more passionate.”

I needed to indulge myself: “It may not be noble, but the fact is that you’ve been working so hard that an affair is the best way you know how to give yourself some pleasure.”

Ejector seat: “You want out of your marriage but you’re afraid to just quit, so you’re hoping that an affair will end things for you.”

See if: “You’re in a see-if affair, to see if what you’ve been missing in your marriage can be gotten with someone else and, if so, does it make as much of a difference as you’d thought.”

Distraction: “Things are hard, frustrating, confusing in your life, and an affair is a way to distract yourself from all these difficulties by creating a kind of oasis of romance.”

Surrogate therapy: “You need help of some sort – maybe boosting your self-esteem.”

Do I still have it? “You are getting older, your marriage is stale, and you wonder if you still can attract someone else.”

Having experiences I missed out on: “You weren’t in many relationships before you got married and now you feel there are experiences that you missed out on.”

Revenge: “You’re furious at your spouse for some way he or she hurt you, and you’re having an affair as a way to get back.”

Mid-life crisis: “These are rare because true mid-life crises are rare. What people think of as this can be explained by one of the others, such as the surrogate therapy or the mid-marriage-crisis affair.”

In the majority of these cases, each specific reason for cheating, there really are, in my opinion, other ways of dealing with the problem.  Firstly, why would people choose the cheating route rather than any other way of dealing with their needs?  It’s easier.  It gives instant gratification.  Only later does the true cost present itself.  This quick fix is opposed to taking the time to evaluate your own needs, discuss them with your partner and try to come up with something that can work for both.

As his closing statement Phillip Hodson, fellow of the British Association for Counsellors and Psychotherapists said:

“Maybe this book goes too far, but we do need to take a sociological view of affairs. To think, ‘what are we going to do about them?’ rather than to say ‘it can’t happen’, when it clearly does.”

And I agree with him wholeheartedly on all points.  One should go into relationships with your eyes open.  Stop believing the fairy tales because reality can change at any time and leave you with none of the things you thought you signed up for.  If you are realistic about your relationship and ensure that you foster an environment where honesty can thrive you can build something that works.  It may not be something that works for anyone else but if you can live and thrive within the framework you and your partner(s) have created together you will probably have many years woth of relationship ups and downs to look forward to.